


Give Me Love

by PoseyRedfield



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, NO IW SPOILERS, Precious Peter Parker, Self-Harm, Suicide, Superfamily, Very depressing read at your own risk, Very sad I am sorry, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-04-30 11:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14496438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoseyRedfield/pseuds/PoseyRedfield
Summary: The Avengers find Peter's suicide note.





	1. The Note

**Author's Note:**

> Why? Infinity War. I needed terrible angst and powerful fluff to heal my wounds.

 

_ Every night before I fall asleep. I am overjoyed at the thought of taking my own life and never waking up.  _

_ Was that too much? I'm sorry, I've been told I have a habit of doing that. Even though it puts a smile on my face...to think about me being dead. It's better than thinking about being alive, and frowning. _

 

_ Is it bad that nowadays I get nervous whenever someone talks to me? Like I have a feeling they have some horrible intention to humiliate me or just shout at me “No one will love you”. _

 

_ Dad says he loves me. Papa says he loves me. But I don't feel it. I don't feel anything anymore. So much so that I used a knife to cut myself while I was doing the dishes, and barely winced at the blood. It hurt. Like hell. But I didn't wince. It fascinated me more than anything. That's what scared me.  _

 

_ As Tony wrapped my forearm in bandage and held me close, I didn't talk. You kept asking me dad what had happened. I'm sorry Dad. I can't speak anymore. I'm sorry if Papa blames you when he gets home. It wasn't your fault. Or his. I'm just not really good right now. I don't think I ever will be. _

_ There's nothing worse than feeling alone while sitting between daddy and papa on the sofa, watching a movie. And I feel so numb inside. I can't focus on the movie. Instead I'm focusing on how to hold in my tears. _

 

_ I am alone at night, and that's the worst. I'm in bed sobbing so loudly it's silent. I can't breathe. I can't make noise. My mouth is wired open in a nonstop noiseless scream. I'm petrified. In pain. Pain from not feeling. I want to call out to you dad. But I also don't want to bother. I bother everyone. _

 

_ I bother Ned. That's why he avoids talking to me now. He spends more time with Flash. He goes to the movies with Flash. He hangs out with Flash outside of school. He'll text Flash whenever, but when my name pops up he'll think long and hard of a really believable excuse to tell me when I confront him about not replying. _

 

_ I bother Michelle. I am "suffocating". I am "too much". I am a "nuisance" to her. She cut me off out of nowhere. She stops talking to me altogether, no explanation. I am nonexistent to her forever. I got too close. _

 

_ Liz will still talk to me. When she needs help. I always help her. I know how it feels to be alone. It's not even a feeling anymore. It's a place. It's one's own personal hell. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. To feel so disconnected from your body, your mind, your soul, your home.  _

_ I never ask Liz for anything in return, hoping she would see on her own that I am not okay. That I am in desperate need of help. That I am rotting inside. I am glass, and I am cracking little by little. I'm gonna shatter soon. Brake beyond repair. _

 

_ Save me. _

_ Please. _

_ I don't want to go. _

 

_ Liz never notices. _

_ No one does. _

 

_ Daddy and Papa get into fights with the others over me. _

_ I know Sam finds me annoying. He was nice at first. Now I think the depression has overstayed its welcome. He complains to them. _

_ Peter needs to grow up. _

 

_ Natasha thinks it too. But she is more nice about it. _

_ Wanda always looks like she wants to help. But she won't. Because Sam is always looking. _

_ Vision sees it. He talks to me in my head at night. He tells me I don't have to talk. I know he wants me to. I never can. I can never say what is wrong with me to no one. Because I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I don't want to admit it to myself, even though I already know it's true. Accepting is hard. _

 

_ Wade was nice to me. My boyfriend was the best boyfriend in the whole world. He's gone now. He's in juvie. He wasn't a good person. But he was nice to me. He told me I was pretty. I was handsome. I was good. That he loved me. _

 

_ And there it was. _

_ Love. _

_ I want love. _

_ But I can't get love. I spent so much time grasping for it. I would get way too close to people, latching on and never letting go hoping they wouldn't leave. That they would love me. That they would want me. I wouldn't have to beg anymore for friends. For affection. For acknowledgment. For appreciation.  _

_ I almost had that. But they left. _

_ Ned left. Michelle left. Wade left. _

 

_ Why can't anyone love me. _

 

_ I try so hard to love everyone. But no one loves me. People take. They never give. _

_ I love daddy. Love Papa. But… _

_ It's hard.  _

_ Is there a limit to how much love one needs to feel loved? _

_ I never feel loved. I'm sorry dad. I know you love me, you do your best. I don't know what's wrong with me. _

_ I never feel wanted. _

_ I feel alone instead. _

_ I feel useless. _

_ I feel selfish. Because… _

_ I am suffocating. I'm a disappointment. I'm embarrassing. I'm a nuisance. _

 

_ I've never felt strong before. But I know I am strong now. It takes all the strength in the world to take your leave from it. _

_ That's what I'm gonna do. It wasn't your fault dad. I promise.  _

_ Don't be sad please. There's nothing you could have done.  _

_ I want this. Let me have this please. _

_ Don't try to save me if you find me early. _

_ Let me be strong and useful. _

 

_ I can't suffer anymore.  _

 

_ I don't want to go. But I don't want to be in pain either.  _

_ I've never felt as strong before in my life. Finally. It's been a while since I've felt this at ease. It'll all be better now.  _

_ I'll be just fine Dad. _

 

The man releases the loose leaf paper from his hands. It drops onto the floor after a few seconds of fluttering. The man with the goatee has clouded vision. Puffy eyes. Tear stained cheeks. He can't bear to pick his head up and look to the right of him to see his baby boy lying there in the hospital bed. Tube jammed down his throat. A constant beeping that is unbearably annoying but comforting because it lets him know his baby is still alive. 

 

Steve found the paper while searching Peter’s room and gave it to Tony before leaving to get the both of them some dinner. 

Instead of picking his head up, he reaches his hand onto the bed, and grasped the boy’s hand ever so gently. He feels a slight squeeze, and his heart drops, thinking he is awake, only to remember that the nurse said it's a normal body response that occurs while in deep comas. 

 

Tony hears the clacking of boots, the ones with heels. He knows Natasha is here before she even speaks. He doesn't register a word she says. She takes note of this. She walks over to him. She bends down to pick up the note. It takes a minute for her to read.

 

Now Tony is in her tight grip. Being clenched to her chest as hard as the woman is able.

He hears the almost inaudible sob escape her mouth, next to his ear. 

Now Tony is sobbing too. 

For the fifth time in the last thirty minutes.

 


	2. Apologies

_I feel his touch on my hand. I know it’s Tony’s, there’s a familiar roughness from his skin. From all the lab work he does. I wish it gave me comfort. Instead I am indignant, because my attempt had failed. I had given it my all. It wasn’t easy swallowing all those pills. One by one. There were way too many for it to have been an accident, the overdose was clearly intentional._

_I don’t want to be here anymore._

_Why the fuck didn’t you let me go?!_

 

_I’m sorry, if it grants you pain to have me gone. But it is selfish to force me to keep living in despair, when I’ve made it obvious that I want to leave…_

 

_Let go of my hand Tony._

 

“Still nothing?”

 

_Papa. That’s Papa._

 

“No, nothing.”

 

_Nat? Natasha is in here too?_

 

“Where did you find the note?”

 

_So daddy speaks. Let go of my hand now._

_I hear Papa,_ “It was just there, folded in his drawer.”

 

_What, no- No! None of you were meant to read that!_

 

“The others are just outside. They want to see him.”

_No, Papa. Leave me alone._

“Do they really? Look at him.”

“Tony-”

“He has a damn tube down his throat!”

_Huh? A tube?_

 

“We’re all worried, Tony.” _Nat’s voice is rarely this soft...and calming_ , “We all love Peter to death, he doesn’t just belong to you, this is hard on every single one of us.”

 

_Yeah...OK._

“Let Wanda in. She’s the only one I trust.”

 _I hear Papa sigh,_ “OK, Tony.”

 

Natasha goes with Steve to meet the others in the waiting area. Tony doesn’t leave. The man is appalled by how calm his lover is, considering he’s the one who found Peter in his bathroom. The image keeps making its way to Tony’s head, no matter how much he tries to push it away. The mere thought of Steve finding Peter there- it makes him question every scenario of how it happened. Was Steve screaming? Crying? Was he in shock? Was his reaction so loud everyone came to him and witnessed the scene?

 

He feels his nose start to burn again. He can’t cry again. He nearly slaps himself- but his hand stops an inch away from his face, a scarlet light shining on his hand.

 

“You’re thinking so loud it’s hard for me to ignore.”

Wanda steps into the room, and lets down Tony’s hand.

“You’re killing yourself. Stop it.” It was a mix of an order and a consoling gesture.

Tony smiled at her sadly, though it was pretty much forced, “He’s not your kid, Wanda…”

She turns her gaze towards Peter and approaches the side of the bed,

“You’d think I’d at least have known what to do, considering what I’m capable of.” Her stare returns to Tony, and it almost looks like she’s glaring, “You’re not the only one who feels guilty. And you’re making everyone out there feel worse than they already do.”

 

Tony just looks back to Peter, as much as it pains him, and suddenly a lightbulb goes off in his head. He stands abruptly, “Wanda, can you tell what he’s thinking right now? Is he there? Can he hear us?”

Her eyes light up, “Yeah, I can try.”

He watches her manipulate the red energy at his temple.

 

_No- Stop! Stay out of my head bitch!_

 

Tony sees her wince, “Is he there?”

Her face falls, and it worries him even more.

“He’s very much there, Tony. Don’t worry.”

She forces a smile. Tony sees right through it.

“What is he saying? What does he want me to do?”

 

_Tell him to pull the plug._

 

Wanda lets her hands fall to her sides.

“He just wants to be left alone for now.”

Tony nods helplessly, “OK...OK.”

 

“Tony, I think you should take a breather. Steve brought you dinner, you should eat it.”

He nods again, “OK.”

She crosses her arms, staring him down until he decides to look back at her,

“Can you give me two more minutes? I’ll go, I will I just…”

Reluctantly, she lets it be. She leans down to kiss Peter goodbye,

“I’ll see you later, spidey.” She whispers in Peter’s ear and presses her lips to his cheek.

 

He’s alone with Peter again. Now that he knows the boy can hear him, he can’t help himself.

“Peter?” he leans down to him.

“I...I don’t know what to do...I’m sorry I didn’t see it better.

“...I’ll be better. I promise.” His voice cracks at the end. Tony doesn’t think he’s ever been in such a traumatic state since closing the hole in times square. It was anxiety combined with the worst feeling in the world. Heartbreak. All he can do is hold Peter close and be grateful he was still there with him.

“I’m sorry baby.” He cries into his baby’s ear,

“I need you to know...how much I- how much _we_ love you. You’re not a nuisance. You’re perfect. To hell with anyone who would _dare_ tell you otherwise.”

 

He has to lean away for a few seconds, to wipe away his tears. When he feels he has his shit together, he takes Peter’s hand into his own, “I’m gonna leave the room for a bit, but I’ll back. I’m not gonna leave you here all alone, I promise.”

Tony leans closer to whisper, “Be good baby boy.” before planting another kiss on his forehead.

 

And then he feels Peter squeeze his hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(


	3. Mental Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the Title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sigh*

Tony sat in the hospital cafeteria, Steve across from him. He was silent, responding to Steve with nods and headshakes. Until finally Steve said something he considered of value:

 

“Bucky just texted me, the doctors said there's a good chance he'll wake up tonight...probably after midnight.”

“...Good. I'm not leaving.”

“None of us suspected that you would.”

Tony stands quickly, making the chair screech, “I'm full. Let's go.”

Steve slowly picked up Tony’s leftovers and tossed them. His partner was already out of the cafeteria without him.

 

When the elevator opened on the pediatrics floor, Tony nearly lunged his way out, speed walking down the hall with Steve following at half the pace, but just as torn.

He got to the room, and most of them were waiting outside. Wanda, Vision, Sam, Bucky, Bruce, Clint...and T’Challa.

 

He greeted Tony with evident sympathy, “We heard what had happened. My sister insisted...her and Peter are very close.”

Tony peeked in the room. Natasha was staring out the window at the lit up city. Sure enough, Shuri was sitting next to Peter.

“I do not want to ask if you are okay, but…” T’Challa trails off, then pulls Tony into a one armed hug. Tony reciprocates respectfully, “Thanks.”

He tries not to make it obvious how eager he is to just go back to Peter’s side. But everyone sees right through him.

 

Tony’s next to Peter again. The image of him like this still disturbs him.

“I am sorry.” He hears Shuri whimper, cheeks streaming tears, “He always said he was okay...I knew he wasn't.”

 

“This isn't on you, Shuri. I'm the one at fault here. Don't beat yourself up.” Tony reassured her. He made eye contact with Nat for a split second, before she turned her gaze back to the night. Tony held Peter’s hand, and they stayed like this for a while. The man picks his head up when he hears several footsteps walking in. All the Avengers, with Steve in the front, “Visiting hours are over. They said only one of us could stay overnight.”

 

...It was pretty damn clear to _everyone_ who would be staying.

Tony sniffs, “I'll see you guys tomorrow.”

Slowly, they all took their leave. Steve tried to kiss Tony goodbye. Tony accepted the kiss but didn't budge.

Now that he was alone with Peter, he whispered to him, “I'm here, baby. Told you I wouldn't leave.”

The only response he gets is a slight squeeze of the hand. It's still enough to give Tony his first genuine smile of the night.

 

“Mr. Stark?” Tony turns around and sees a beautiful middle aged woman standing in the doorway. She has a doctor’s coat on and a clipboard in her hand. Her smile is soft and welcoming.

“Yeah, that's me.”

“Could I talk to you outside for a moment?” Tony meets the woman in the hall.

 

“I'm Dr. May, I've been assigned to be Peter's therapist in the upcoming days. I'm afraid it's not optional. Hospital policy.”

Tony nods, “OK, that's fine.”

“I'll have to have sessions with Peter for two months minimum, but if you'd like it can go on from there. Your insurance pretty much covers any payment so you won't need to worry about that.”

Tony just sighs. How would he convince Peter to go? He concluded that he'd most likely have to force him.

“I can’t know your pain, Mr. Stark. But I can assure you that your son will get better. I've had much experience with teenagers. They're always hard at first, but once you give them the attention they need they'll open up. Many times we forget that teens are still children in a way, and they require the same amount of affection and acknowledgement than the next child. Regardless of how much they deny it or push us away.”

He goes from realization, straight back to being broken-hearted once more.

“It's okay.” May pulls him in for a hug, “I'm sure you're a wonderful dad Tony “

Tony shamefully sniffs in her arms, “I'm not…”

She pulls away, “You're better than most others. This entire floor is aware of how much you care for your boy. He's lucky to have you.” May smiles, and her words make him feel just a tad better.

 

“I have to go now, but I'll be back tomorrow to meet Peter. He should be awake by then.”

Tony nods- he’s been doing a lot of that lately, “Alright. Thank you, doctor.”

“Call me May.” She gives his arm a consoling squeeze and bids him farewell.

 

When Tony enters the hospital room again, he hears a whimper. Then a frightened sounding whine. His heart leaps when he sees that Peter’s eyes were cracked open.

 

His baby was awake.

* * *

 

When the other Avengers got back to the base, there was an eerie silence between them. None of them had much to say at all- what was there to even say? It was bordering midnight, so everyone decided to turn in.

Not Steve. He stood in the living area, pacing slowly, rocking from left to right. Nat and Bucky were the only ones who caught on to his “off” behavior.

Steve didn’t speak. They didn’t ask questions. They just turned the TV on at low volume and stayed in the room with him. Steve spent most of his time staring out through the wall of windows, into darkness.

 

About an hour later, Nat and Bucky were passed out on the couch. Steve wasn’t very far away from them. He was in the open kitchen area, staring down at a glass of vodka on the counter. Steve was never much of a drinker, and he mostly avoided it for Tony’s sake, considering his history. But now the alcohol was enticing as ever. After all, it makes you forget, doesn’t it? Even if only temporary.

 

So he takes it down in one shot. And he pours himself another. And then another. Anything to forget seeing his son seizing and writhing in his arms.

* * *

 

_Friday morning and the Avengers had just returned to the base after a mission. Tony was excluded due to a meeting he had for Stark industries, and Peter because it was a school night._

_When Steve had entered the living area, Friday alerted him that Peter had not gone to school, and that he had been in his bathroom for quite a while._

_There were no cameras in the bathrooms for Friday to see. Steve sighed, assuming Peter was just “Acting out” again, and he approaches his room prepared to have one of those “deep” conversations._

 

_When he entered his room, he heard the bathtub running behind the bathroom door. For some odd reason Peter had a neat stack of his personal things on his night table. His notebooks, his web shooters, his suit, his phone, his wallet. His king size bed (Tony loved to spoil him) was perfectly made. His video game controllers were placed neatly on the TV stand instead of some random place on his bed._

_It was unsettling._

_Steve approached his bathroom door and knocked,_

_“Peter? It’s Papa.” No answer._

_“I think we should have a talk when you’re out…An ‘OK Pop’ would be nice…”_

_The silence was scaring him at this point. Everything seemed off at this point._

_“Peter, please answer me.”_

_…_

_“Peter if you don’t answer in three seconds I’m coming in...three...two…”_

_He tries the knob. Locked. And that’s when Papa’s instincts takeover. He kicks the door in no problem._

_His breath is caught in his throat. Peter is in the tub, dressed. His eyes are lazy, and he’s foaming from the mouth. There’s an empty pill bottom on the floor…_

 

_Seconds...Peter is out of the tub. Soaking wet in papa’s arms._

_Steve is crying out helplessly, “9-1-1! Friday! Call 9-1-1!”_

_Peter is foaming from his mouth, twitching in Steve’s grasp._

_He is practically paralyzed. He didn’t know what to do._

 

_“Steve?!”_

_“Vision! Vision help!”_

_Vision appears. His face full of horror. Not just from Peter, he’s never heard Steve’s voice this full of fear. This_ broken _._

_“H-help me! What do I do!” Steve has a stream draining from his eyes._

 

_“Steve?! What’s happening?!” Nat can be heard running their way._

_“Let me take him,” Vision demands, crouching down, “I can get him to the nearest hospital in an instant.” This makes Steve clutch Peter tighter,_

_“N-No, no…” He can’t leave him alone. Not his baby. Not when he’s like this._

 

_Nat reaches the bathroom, “Oh my god…” She’s in just as much shock._

_“Steve, he’s_ DYING _.” Vision nearly screams._

_“O-OK, OK!” He loosens his grip for Vision to take him. And he disappears with Peter in his arms. Steve’s eyes are wide and pink. Natasha feels like she’s walking on ice. She is never this at loss for words. And she has no idea how to console the broken man in front of her._

_She hesitantly crouches down and puts her hand on his shoulder._

_“Steve, he…” Her voice quivers. She’s angry at herself, and outraged that she can’t find a way to soothe him._

_“He’s dying…” Steve whimpers. Natasha pulls him close._

_“...Tony. Have to tell Tony.”_

_“We will...somehow…” This was all she could do in that moment. The man had just lost his son. Even if Peter did survive, things would_ never _be the same again._

* * *

 

It’s two in the morning when Bucky wakes up to a disquiet, unfamiliar noise. The TV is still on in the dark living area, the only light coming from the small chandelier in the kitchen space.

The sound is whimpering. And as he wakes up more, that whimpering grows louder, and eventually turns into desperate cries. He sees Nat on the couch, she begins to stir awake. But it is not her crying.

 

Bucky follows the crying to the kitchen. There’s a vodka bottle, close to empty, on the counter, aside an empty glass. Droplets and condensation on the glass show it was recently used.

Then he sees it.

 

Steve leaning on the kitchen window sill. The man is so tall, and his leather jacket would make him look a bit intimidating...if it weren’t for his blatantly red eyes.

“Steve.” Bucky almost whispered, not wanting to scare him. Steve stays still as if he didn’t hear Bucky’s voice. So Bucky gets closer, turns Steve around, makes the man look at him. He can smell the alcohol on Steve’s breath.

He looks...lifeless. His expression is blank aside from his wet cheeks.

“Hey,” He rubs his back, “Why don't we take you to bed.” Bucky tries to lead him away, but he won’t move.

“No.” Steve’s voice lacks life.

“You need sleep, Steve.”

“...No…” At least his voice sounds more emotional this time. It cracks.

“Yes.” Bucky tries to pull him again. Steve glares at him.

 

“Steve.” Natasha approaches them with hesitance, “We know you’re worried about Peter. But you need to take care of yourself.” She saw this coming. Steve’s breakdown. He spent so much time putting on a shield, being strong for Tony, his grieving state had been delayed.

“He’s dying…”

She recognizes the tone. The same one from earlier today, when they had found him. The image of Peter haunts her too.

“He’s not. He’s okay, Steve. Everything is gonna be better-”

“HOW! MY SON TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF HOW WILL THAT EVER GET BETTER!” He towers over her, and Bucky threatens him with a tight clench on his bicep with his metal arm.

“Steve! Relax!”

Steve speaks to her with disdain, fury in his eyes, “I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You can’t even have a child of your own.”

Natasha’s eyes twitch. Bucky knows he hit a nerve.

She stands her ground, despite his glowering down on her, “He isn’t just yours. He belongs to _ALL_ of us! You are being _Selfish!_ ”

“The hell with that!” Steve absentmindedly smacks the glass on the counter into the wall. It shatters and pieces fly everywhere, hard enough to make both Bucky and Nat flinch.

Bucky’s had enough, he needs to stop this. He takes Steve’s throat in his hand with his metal arm, not hard enough to choke, hard enough to keep him still.

 

“You need to calm down, man.” Bucky gives him a warning glare, and Steve doesn’t respond. Just continues to breathe heavily.

 

Natasha wipes tears away from her eyes. She hears the others start to come downstairs.

“What’s going on?” Sam looks wary, seeing Bucky hold Steve in a choke hold. The shattered glass pieces on the floor didn’t help either.

Wanda steps forward, looking to be in heavy concentration for a moment, before she speaks, “He’s in pain…”

Bucky looks from the group, back to Steve, who’s now sobbing silently in the choke hold. He releases him.

 

Clint looks to Nat, seeing her teary eyed. She nods as a way to tell him she’s okay.

“I had a feeling sleeping wouldn’t be the best option.” Bruce says while rubbing the back of his neck.

“I have to see him…” Steve says hoarsely. His eyes tightly shut.

“The morning is almost here, Steve.” Nat tells him.

“Have to see him now…”

“...You know we can’t.”

“How will I know if he’s okay?”

 

There’s a mystical sound in the room that draws all of their attention. They all see Wanda handling red energy near Vision’s forehead. After a few seconds, they both smile.

“He’s awake.” She says in Steve’s direction, “He’s okay…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...


End file.
